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There was shock and dismay at the United Nations today, after a meeting to discuss the effects of global warming descended into recriminations, insults, and actual fisticuffs.
Things started well enough with a presentation by Climatologist Tronald Dump, who claimed the predicted rise in global temperatures would not actually result in a human crisis of unparalleled misery. "It'll be fine," Dump said; "totally fine. I've seen some bad warming, but this is totally not a problem. Believe me. I know. It'll be fine. So fine, I can't believe it."
However, Dump was shouted down by a group of angry central heating engineers, who claimed they would be put out of work if global warming was not tackled.
Things took a turn for the worse when the stage was stormed by a mob of ice cube manufacturers wielding torches and pitchforks, shouting "We love Dump! We love Dump!"
Have you seen this man?
As a mass brawl broke out, Daily Thunk reporter Terry Watt spotted Tronald Dump leaving the stage, apparently sniggering and removing a fake moustache.
Middle-class-wannabe retail chain Sainsbury's has stolen a march on its high street rivals by announcing a shock merger with sexual services provider Spearmint Rhino. Speaking to a hushed gathering of the world's media, Sainsbury's spokesbabe Scarlett Butt commented, 'According to reports, people aren't getting enough titillation. By merging with our partners at Spearmint Rhino, we hope to bring cheap smut to families across the UK.' However, Sainsbury's rivals have not taken it lying down. Lidl have promised to start stocking Razzle magazine, while Aldi are rumoured to be merging with that Turkish massage parlour down the road.
 Donald Trump
Inspirational US President Donald Trump has continued to champion human rights by granting an unconditional Presidential pardon to (alleged) serial killer Hannibal Lecter.
Speaking to a hushed gathering of the world's media, Trump's confidante Terry Watt explained:
"Hannibal Lecter has been the victim of a gross miscarriage of justice, following a slew of fake news reports regarding supposed murder and cannibalism. President Trump is not prepared to pander to alleged evidence, and will continue to support whoever he wants, regardless of any so-called victims."
 A Cyberman
Russian dictator Vladimir Putin has been condemned by The United Federation of Planets after ramping up cyber-war tensions with the deployment of a battalion of Cybermen.
Speaking from a bunker on the mining ship Red Dwarf, rebel alliance leader Terry Watt explained:
"So terrifying are Putin's plans that we have had to use the Timestone to peer into the future and see the outcome. This has left us with no option but to request the crew of escape pod Firefly send one of their Terminator cyborgs back in time to prevent the birth of Putin by chasing his mother around the base in which she is building an army of Sentinels! We can only pray they succeed."
Emperor Ming was unavailable for comment.
Amazing stories from Darren R. Scothern
 Maypole
Beloved Prime Minister Theresa May has opened up about the hardship she endured when trying to pay her way through university by pole-dancing, lap dancing and partying at drug-fuelled orgies.
Some would say the the hardship paid off. Theresa May graduated from De Montfort University, Leicester, with a 2:1 in technical drawing, which has driven her rise to power, fame, and her status as an international icon of sexy dance.
 The Happy Bride
The world's great and good were out in force yesterday for the most eagerly anticipated celebrity wedding of the century.
 The Groom
Tears of joy and delight were shed in Moscow, the City of Love, as American President Donald Trump finally exchanged marriage vows with his childhood sweetheart "Lil" Kim Jong Un, in a union the society pages have dubbed DonKim.
Trump was wearing a Marks & Spencer navy blue blazer, a Damien Hirst kilt, and Versace golf shoes.
Kim, however, looked resplendent in a Stella McCartney mock-Mexican poncho, diamond-encrusted sombrero, and blue suede jackboots.
The happy couple have now embarked upon a honeymoon tour of Afghanistan and several former soviet nations.
Beloved US President Donald Trump has spectacularly been honoured with one of the world's most prestigious awards: The Edinburgh Fringe Award for Best International Joke.
Speaking to a hushed gathering of the world's media, Edinburgh Fringe Director Terry Watt thanked Trump for his services to comedy. To read Trump's award-winning joke, scroll down...
Trump's brilliant one-liner:
"In less than two years, my administration has accomplished more than almost any other administration in the history of our country. "
Audience members were said to be helpless with laughter at Trump's stunning gag.
Receiving the award, Trump commented, "I didn't expect that reaction."
Earlier this month, grown-ups across the UK breathed a sigh of relief as the nation's politicians went back to school. However, in a shocking twist, that relief has proven to be short lived!
Speaking to a hushed gathering of the world's media, the Commons Head Of Political Persons Education and Respect, Terry Watt, explained:
Worrying news has emerged from Toffs Preparatory High School for Young Ladies, where Theresa May has been sent back to Westminster because her skirt was 'too short and clingy', and at the same school, Jeremy Hunt has been cautioned by police after selling crystal meth in the sixth form common rooms.
Meanwhile, at Great Greyhope Comprehensive School, Jeremy Corbyn has been excluded after pushing over a minority Tory kid in the dinner queue.
There is serious concern that if more MPs are sent home from school, they could inflict yet another term of Brexit bullshit on the rest of us.
Families are advised to stay close to their loved ones during this difficult time.
Beloved American President Donald Trump has stunned world leaders today by teaming up with Spanish Minister for Illegal Aliens Joseph Borrell to launch a brilliant new project.
HEROES
Speaking to a hushed gathering of the world's media, the POTUS's wing-man, Terry Watt, explained:
The stock market was plunged into chaos today, as 50% was wiped off the share value of both Sainsburys and Asda.
The cause seems to have been rooted in William Morrison's secret plan to put the Morrisons chain of supermarkets back on top the British retailing pile.
Our retail guru Terry Watt explains...
"William Morrison has refusing to accept the failing performance of his beloved Morrisons chain of stores. When he heard about the proposed merger between Asda and Sainsburys, he was so furious that he slaughtered his adopted daughter Gamora." Watt continued his explanation...
"After the tragedy Morrison set about gathering six so-called Infinity Gondolas for his Infinity Market Street project. With the project complete, he simply snapped his fingers, signalling his marketing team to produce a series of TV adverts, and ensuring Morrisons recouped 50% of all UK supermarket trade."
In the wake of the Snappening, Asda CEO Roger Burnley was seen holding on to his Sainsbury's counterpart Mike coupe, moaning, "I don't feel so good." Coupe has a haunted look in his eyes as he replied, "We're... We're not in the money!"
Lothario, libertarian and purveyor of steamy prose, Vince Cable, is in the headlines after landing a unique honour.
Chairman, Literary International Typed Smut committee Terry Watt commented, "Vince's prose in his treatise A Pornographic Reading of Brexit was outstanding, as shown in the line of prose that clinched the award: 'You Brexiteer bitches enjoy your erotic spasm!' I get horny just reading it!"
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Prime Minister Theresa May has finally revealed concrete details of her Brexit plan.
Speaking to a hushed gathering of the world's media, kleptocrat May explained:
"Brexit will leave us with an economic and cultural void. It is my proposal that we fill this void by joining the Common Market. Aligning ourselves culturally and economically with European nations that share our values will be the ideal antidote to Brexit."
May's passionate announcement is said to have won over even the staunchest Remainers.
Beloved American President Donald Trump has today made a shock announcement regarding the election that brought him to power.
Speaking to a hushed gathering of the world's media, Trump claimed that the 2017 Presidential election results were "made up" in order to make it "look like he was President".
Trump's closest advisor, Terry Watt - a man who does not actually exist - explained:
"Mr Trump has been desperately trying to convince everyone that he's not Presidential material. I mean. look at his tweets. No real President would do this kind of crap, would he? And yet, the fake news keeps rolling that he's a President."
World peace was temporarily on the brink today, after Airforce 1 - the luxury flying hotel used by American President Trump on his golfing trips - was downed by Irish anti-aircraft fire.
Speaking to a hushed gathering of the world's media, Irish Warlord Terry O'Watt explained his nation's stunning aggression:
"Basically, we decided Trump is a feckless gom, and we shot him down, so."
Upon hearing the O'Watt's explanation, the United Nations issued a declaration of support for the Irish action, calling it a proud day for world peace, the environment, equality, and common sense.
 Theresa May
Theresa May has invoked the controversial Sokovia Accords in an attempt to heal the Brexit rift in the Tory party.
However, in a shock development, it looks as though the move will backfire, with several of May's cabinet reportedly 'at each other's throats'.
 Tony "Ned" Stark
Brexit secretary Tony 'Ned' Stark is said to be vocally in favour of the Sokovia Accords, which would enforce unity over Brexit by requiring all Tory MPs to sign up to an agreement, or be forced to reveal their secret identities.
 Steve Rogers
However, Minister for Liberty Steve Rogers has insisted the party should work this out willingly, rather than be forced into an agreement.
 Punches were thrown in Parliament
Tempers boiled over in the commons yesterday, as Stark and Rogers confronted each other in a heated commons kerfuffle. Stark used his repulsor rays to knock seven types of crap out of Rogers, before the Liberty Minister pulled out his vibranium shield, and walloped Stark in the chest, seriously damaging his pacemaker.
 Rogers is believed to have assembled a posse
Rogers is now on the run from the Tory party, and was last seen furiously texting his mates, trying to get a 'posse' together.
Former Secretary for International Diplomacy, Boris Johnson, has sensationally been arrested by the Anti-Terrorism Squad for conspiracy to carry out an act of terrorism.
Head of Media Exploitation Terry Watt explains:
Our counter-intelligence department have had Mr Johnson under surveillance ever since his dramatic rescue from Afghanistan. Not a lot of people know this, but Boris had been part of a crack team tasked with a search and destroy mission against terrorist insurgents in Afghanistan.
Boris was captured by ISIS, and evidence led us to believe that he was dead. However, after five years in captivity, he was liberated, and repatriated to the UK.
Due to the peculiar behaviour displayed by Boris after his repatriation, we began to suspect that he had actually been turned by ISIS, and now represented a genuine terrorist threat to our nation.
This suspicion was validated when Boris was discovered at Theresa May's weekend barbecue, wearing a fake suicide bomb vest, purchased from a well-known online retailer.
Boris was apprehended by anti-terror agents, and has been taken to a secure location to be waterboarded, and brainwashed into becoming a harmless media buffoon hosting comedy chat shows.
Notorious war criminal and ex-Prime Minister Tony Blair has admitted defeat in his audacious bid to perfect time travel.
Blair had planned to travel back in time and plant weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, in order to unite all the world in a struggle against Saddam Hussein, thereby paving the way for him to be installed as Emperor of Earth.
Inconveniently for Blair, science's bully-boy entrepreneur Elon Musk was first to patent a working time travel device.
Musk has indicated that he intends to use time travel to go into the past and terminate all pregnancies that would have led to the birth of paedophile deep sea divers.
 Ronan The Accuser
The Chairman of India's Supreme Intelligence, Ronan the Accuser, has today issued an historic edict that has left the nation's LGBT population dancing in the streets!
Speaking to a hushed gathering of the world's media, Ronan explained the change in domestic policy:
"Overpopulation is set to bring about the destruction of our nation! For this reason, not only have we legalised gay sex, but we are actively encouraging it with a range of incentives, in order to bring down the birthrate, and over time, the population of India."
Ronan the Accuser, who has previously championed Kree rights in the face of Skrull persecution, added, "My concern is that we take control of our own population issues before any malign alien power decides to wield a gauntlet of violence against us."
Many of the world's political leaders had attended the announcement, however, notable by his absence was Malaysia's Chief Justice Richard Malanjum. His personal "aide" Terry Watt explained the Chief Justice's absence: "He was feeling a bit rough this morning, as he'd really been caning it for the last few days."
 Jeremy Corbyn
BBC Radio 2 has announced a major shake-up of its morning schedule after Breakfast Show starlet Chris 'Likeable' Evans was sensationally kidnapped by pirate radio station Virgin.
BBC's head of radio light entertainment Terry Watt explained the new approach: 'Starting tomorrow, we will no longer be broadcasting our tired, old breakfast show. We need to bring in something new and exciting that will attract the trendy kids. With that in mind, the breakfast show will be replaced with Jeremy Corbyn's Israel Hour. We expect ratings to go through the roof!
 RACIST! Apparently.
Jeremy Corbyn has been sensationally slammed by Scottish Labour voters as 'Anti-Scottish' after being spotted glancing at a bottle of Irish Whiskey.
Scottish Labour MP Terry Watt raged at a hushed gathering of the world's media, growling, 'Corbyn and his cronies have failed time and again to root out the stain of anti-Scottishism from the party. While ever they acknowledge the existence of Irish liquor, this problem will not go away. Yesterday, I saw with my own eyes Corbyn smiling at someone in the bar who'd ordered a half of Guinness. This will bring everlasting shame on the Labour party! He's got to go!  Chris Evans. Apparently.
A wave of total apathy and indifference has swept the UK following the announcement that some bloke is thinking about not talking and playing songs on radio any more.
The bloke in question, who someone in our canteen says is called Chris Evans, was overheard saying he might quit his radio job. Renowned Instagram influencer Terry Watt, when asked to comment on the situation, said, "Who?" I can't be arsed to add say any more, so I'm just putting this here to complete the minimum required word count. 
Renowned global purveyors of caffeine entertainment Starbucks have announced major changes to their menu.
Speaking to a hushed gathering of the world's media, Starbucks' Head of Nutritional Innovation Terry Watt explained: 
"At Starbucks we always want to keep our clients delighted and satisfied by bringing great new innovation to our menus. Today, we are proud to announce the introduction of our new Rolla Cola flavoured coffees.
"But we won't be resting on our laurels, as we have a slew of great new caffeine entertainment products coming through the pipeline, including Irn Bru & Latte Muffins, and Deep Fried Mars Bar & Espresso porridge."
Prime Minister Theresa May today outlined her plans for a healthier Britain.
Speaking to a hushed gathering of the world's media, May explained her controversial decision to ban the sale of fruit and veg to working class "people"...
"It is paramount," she said, "that we protect the environment for future generations of middle class and wealthy children. If we are to move away from the use of fossil fuels, we must turn over more of our farmland to the production of bio-fuels. This will lead to a drop in the production of fruit and vegetables, which through simple supply and demand, will increase significantly in price, I want to prevent the shame that working class people will feel when they can't afford these luxuries. Therefore, we will make it illegal for any working class person to buy fruit or vegetables.
However, I must make it clear that we will offset this by removing VAT from energy drinks, cider and crisps. We're not totally heartless bastards."
Global peace and diplomacy is said to be 'teetering on a knife edge' after Prime Minister Theresa May was sensationally arrested in Nigeria.
Our international crisis correspondent Terry Watt explained in a hushed gathering of the world's media:
"Prime Minister Theresa May has been arrested by the Nigerian International Crime Klub, who have accused her of smuggling 1980's ghetto blasters into the country. The Prime Minister was swooped upon by the NICK, as she danced around a Hitachi Super-Bass twin cassette deck with FM radio and Dolby, with some local kids. The Prime Minister, wearing a C&A shellsuit, was said to be "out of her bonce on smack".
As she was dragged away to the cells, May was heard to defiantly shout, "F***ing coppers, ya should be out there catching thieves and rapists, ya b****rds!"
The two squared up in a pre-fight press shindig at Madison Square Garden, but before they could get into talking trash with each other, Paul Chuckle jumped into the ring and twatted them both with a chair, saying he'd take them both in a cage match to avenge his late brother's humiliation at last year's 'Sing in the Ring' karaoke massacre.
 Former Liverpool FC star, and WWE supremo Steve McManaman managed to break up the melee, and insisted all the fans would get to see all the action on the upcoming pay per view event, to be held in the Democratic Republic of Congo. This bulletin was sponsored by Um Bongo - perfect for your rumble in the jungle hydration requirements. |
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