Prime Minister Theresa May today outlined her plans for a healthier Britain.
Speaking to a hushed gathering of the world's media, May explained her controversial decision to ban the sale of fruit and veg to working class "people"...
"It is paramount," she said, "that we protect the environment for future generations of middle class and wealthy children. If we are to move away from the use of fossil fuels, we must turn over more of our farmland to the production of bio-fuels. This will lead to a drop in the production of fruit and vegetables, which through simple supply and demand, will increase significantly in price, I want to prevent the shame that working class people will feel when they can't afford these luxuries. Therefore, we will make it illegal for any working class person to buy fruit or vegetables.
However, I must make it clear that we will offset this by removing VAT from energy drinks, cider and crisps. We're not totally heartless bastards."